political conviction

Somebody inquired about my political convictions, which made me wonder if I have been too preoccupied with intense lustful thoughts these past few years.

Since I have very little to say about the national situation, I just might refer interested parties to a reading/watching list that pretty much describes my instantaneous political inclinations: Sentimental Education by Flaubert, Candide by Voltaire, Discipline and Punish by Foucault (what it is about, I dimly recall), Bananas, Sleeper and Love and Death by Woody Allen, among others.

Here’s something I emailed to my Philosophy classmates a year ago, in light of the need to increase social awareness that somehow leads to a better world. Naturally none of them reacted, the apathetic jerks.

A Brief, Yet Helpful Guide to Civil Disobedience
By Woody Allen

In preparing a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly. In the Chinese Revolution of 1650 neither party showed up and the deposit on the hall was forfeited.

The people or parties revolted against are called the “oppressors” and are easily recognized as they seem to be the ones having all the fun. The “oppressors” generally get to wear suits, own land, and play their radios late at night without being yelled at. Their job is to maintain the “status quo,” a condition where everything remains the same although they may be willing to paint every two years.

When the “oppressors” become too strict, we have what is known as a police state, wherein all dissent is forbidden, as is chuckling, showing up in a bow tie, or referring to the mayor as “Fats.” Civil liberties are greatly curtailed in a police state, and freedom of speech is unheard of, although one is allowed to mime a record. Opinions critical of the government are not tolerated, particularly about their dancing. Freedom of the press is also curtailed and the ruling party “manages” the news, permitting the citizens to hear only acceptable political ideas and ball scores that will not cause unrest.

The groups who revolt are called the “oppressed” and can generally be seen milling about and grumbling or claiming to have headaches. (It should be noted that the oppressors never revolt and attempt to become the oppressed as that would entail a change of underwear.)

Some famous examples of revolutions are:

The French Revolution, in which the peasants seized power by force and quickly changed all locks on the palace doors so the nobles could not get back in. Then they had a large party and gorged themselves. When the nobles finally recaptured the palace they were forced to clean up and found many stains and cigarette burns.

The Russian Revolution, which simmered for years and suddenly erupted when the serfs realized that the Czar and the Tsar were the same person.

It should be noted that after a revolution is over, the “oppressed” frequently take over and begin acting like the "oppressors.” Of course by then it is very hard to get them on the phone and money lent for cigarettes and gum during the fighting may as well be forgotten about.

Methods of Civil Disobedience
Hunger Strike. Here the oppressed goes without food until his demands are met. Insidious politicians will often leave biscuits within easy reach or perhaps some cheddar cheese, but they must be resisted. If the party in power can get the striker to eat, they usually have little trouble putting down the insurrection. If they can get him to eat and also lift the check, they have won for sure. In Pakistan, a hunger strike was broken when the government produced an exceptionally fine veal cordon bleu which the masses found was too appealing to turn down, but such gourmet dishes are rare.

The problem with the hunger strike is that after several days one can get quite hungry, particularly since sound trucks are paid to go through the streets saying, “Um…what a nice chicken--umm…some peas…umm…”

A modified form of Hunger Strike for those whose political convictions are not quite so radical is giving up chives. This small gesture, when used properly, can greatly influence a government, and it is well known that Mahatma Gandhi’s insistence on eating his salads untossed shamed the British government into many concessions. Other things besides food one can give up are: whist, smiling, and standing on one foot and imitating a crane.

Sit-down Strike. Proceed to a designated spot and then sit down, but sit all the way down. Otherwise you are squatting, a position that makes no political point unless the government is also squatting. (This is rare, although a government will occasionally crouch in cold weather.) The trick is to remain seated until concessions are made, but as in the Hunger Strike, the government will try subtle means of making the striker rise. They may say, “Okay, everybody up, we’re closing.” Or, “Can you get up for a minute, we’d just like to see how tall you are?”

Demonstration and Marches. The key point about a demonstration is that it must be seen. Hence the term “demonstration.” If a person demonstrates privately in his own home, this is not technically a demonstration but merely “acting silly” or “behaving like an ass.”

A fine example of a demonstration was the Boston Tea Party, where outraged Americans disguised as Indians dumped British tea into the harbor. Later the Indians disguised as outraged Americans dumped actual British into the harbor. Following that, the British disguised as tea dumped each other into the harbor. Finally, German mercenaries clad only in costumes from "The Trojan Women" leapt into the harbor for no apparent reason.

When demonstrating, it is good to carry a placard stating one’s position. Some suggested positions are: (1) lower taxes, (2) raise taxes, and (3) stop grinning at Persians.

Miscellaneous methods of Civil Disobedience
-Standing in front of City Hall and chanting the word “pudding” until one’s demands are met.
-Tying up traffic by leading a flock of sheep into the shopping area.
-Phoning members of “the establishment” and singing “Bess, You Is My Woman Now” into the phone.
-Dressing as a policeman and then skipping.
-Pretending to be an artichoke but punching people as they pass.

(from "Without Feathers," pp. 107-109)

they come in 3's

Today I have finally received the third installment in a series of emails I fondly call “The Miss C Files.” The source of these emails is a former officemate, Miss C, who currently works for some Korean company and is probably happily eating prawn crackers for dessert at this very moment.

The subject of her last email read “GOD CAN’T BE MOCKED!” and she admitted that it was a shot at me (even though I never directly mocked God in front of her). Here’s the rest of the email:

Thou art warned! Thou shalt not mock God! Never doubt the Word of God!!! It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7): "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”

Here are some men and women who mocked God:

JOHN LENNON:
Some years before during his interview with an American Magazine, he said:
"Christianity will end, it will disappear. I do not have to argue about that. I am certain. Jesus was ok, but his subjects were too simple. Today we are more famous than Him." In 1966, Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ, was shot six times.

TANCREDO NEVES:
During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500 votes from his party, not even God would remove him from Presidency. Sure he got the votes, but he got sick a day before being made President, then he died.

CAZUZA:
During a show in Canecão ( Rio de Janeiro ), whilst smoking his cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air and said: God, that's for you. I can't even explain how he died.

THE MAN WHO BUILT TITANIC:
After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe the Titanic would be. With an ironic tone he said: "Not even God can sink it." The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic.

MARILYN MONROE:
She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show. He is a preacher and Evangelist and the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her. After hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said: "I don't need your Jesus." A week later, she was found dead in her apartment.

CAMPINAS/SP IN 2005
In Campinas, a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a friend. The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the drunkenness of her friends and she said to the daughter - holding her hand, who was already seated in the car: "My daughter, go with God and may he protect you." She responded: Only if he travels in the boot, ‘coz inside here it’s already full."

Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal accident, everyone had died, the car could not be recognized what type of car it had been, but surprisingly, the boot was intact.

The police said there was no way the boot could have remained intact. To their surprise, inside the boot was a crate of eggs, none was broken.

Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other name that was given so much authority as the name of Jesus. Many have died, but only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still alive. JESUS!!!


P.S: If it was a joke, you could have sent it to everyone. So are you going to have courage to send this? I have done my part. Jesus said "If you get embarrassed about me, I will also get embarrassed about you before my father. What benefit does it have, if a man gains the whole world but loses his soul? What can man give in exchange of his soul? (Matthew 16:26)

End of message. Now who’s going to top that? I guess I have to stop messing around. After all, I’m scared of dying. Hahahaha!

Coming up: The prequels “Ten Things God Will Ask On Judgment Day” and “Would You Run? [If You Were Inside a Church and a Group of Unknown Armed Men Dropped By And Asked ‘Who Are Willing to Take A Bullet for Jesus Christ?’]”